hates:
-To be ignored
-To be stand up upon
-Books
-School
-To be taken for granted
wishes:
+ Get my bike ASAP +
+ New Laptop +
+ New HP +
+ For a special one who will be tolerance and love me more than i love her +
+ Chromes bag +
+ To save up my very first $10k +
Hi peeps, been awhile since i blog. even though the incident passed 1 week liao, still feeling very down but very happy to know that around me there are still some many friends with me, sad to see, those friends whom i meet up with everyday cant sense anything wrong with me, its those frenz like jason, fred and matt cheering me up since last tuesday. I'm very to know u guys
Its depressing, how pathetic my life is. I dare say, i got way loads of peeps i know (casual friends). But 19 years that im alive, i got NOT EVEN 1 close friend. YES I REALLY MEAN NOT EVEN 1. i try blending in with Zss wushu guys, sadly i notice we are not of the same league. I tried to mixed around with LLJ and guys. Sadly to see, im so insignificant to them except when they lack 1 player to start mahjong, they will remember me. Since sec 1, i've never really got class spirit.I live pass secondary as a lone self, with no commitment to any of my classmate. I don't know who see me as their friend and who just think im annoying. But something i know for sure, im very sensitive towards the action others gave me. Primary school was fun, all of us played blind mice after school everyday even during PSLE period. And those who know the dark secret inside me, i'm very grateful, none of you laugh at me jus because of it.What i least expected is people that actually laugh at me because of it are from secondary school.
Most of you might be wondering, what is it?
well, im brought up single-handed by my mum, my parents separated back when im just K2, I grow up with my sister fighting, naturally our relationship aint really fantastic. And without a dad, my mum painstakingly work to bring us up, what she fail to notice is that, im growing in a family with no family warmth. My house is just like a hotel for me to change and sleep. However, now that im older, i just wanna laugh this bad childhood off.But i cant. i simply cant forget how it feels like in primary school, when chinese essay topic was "My Family", i simply do not know how to start. I simply dont know whats 家庭温暖 for the past 12 years. Whats making it worse is that THE DUMB ESSAY QUESTION COMES UP EVERY YEAR! There is this emptiness inside me that needs to be filled. Without my dad in my life for 12 years, I simply forgotten the true meaning of dad. In primary school, few know this secret of mine, and those who know didnt mock at me. But in secondary school, i thought when i found my first close friend, confide in him, and he just used this to mocked at me when we quarrel.
"SHUP UP LA U FATHERLESS CHILD" "ASK YOUR FATHER TALK TO ME LA" ''get a dad before you talk to me''
Since then, i start to keep this to myself, and all this years of keeping it to myself, there is this patch in my mind, that cannot be erased anymore. Till sec 3, i got to know marcus and frequent his place. It was then, i finally felt family warmth. It was then i felt what a complete family was. It was then, I see what a dad is. His family taught me alot of things, remember once, Marcus's mum asked me, if i hated my dad, but deep down in me, i didnt know how to reply her. She asked me if all this years im alright surviving without my dad. i merely replied that i've gotten use to life without him, his absence didnt affect my growing up. At that instance, i know i lied.
I'm very much affected by his absence, sometimes i just wonder if my childhood would be so bad if my dad didnt abandon us for that thail bitch. If not for him, my mum health wont have deteriorate so much over the years. if not for him, i wouldnt be mocked at by others. But if not for him, I wouldnt be so independent. If not for him I wouldn't be growing up all by myself. To be so lonely up till now.
Just as i thought to myself, maybe w/o a dad wouldnt be bad, i know i got lots of frens. But just as i took a second look, i got none. NONE whom i can call them my GROUP of friends. None to even help me fill this emptiness. Its not too much to ask for a friend who would just go out together, shop or catch a movie and slack the day off is it?
I dont think im gonna laugh for a long time.. I think thats enough of me whining.
KS, life sucks, but it goes on.
Next to update, im at prac 5.2 for my bike taking with matt this coming thurs. after that, 6.01, 7.01, 8.01 and then TP, 4 more to go...JIAYOU!
another thing is, 15/08/08 DEL exam 19/08/08 EM3A 20/08/08 TP exam 21/08/08 ACDA
Didnt know if i should publish this. To be publishing this for public viewing, would i be able to continue and face my life.
p.s Jason, now I know how you feel when u publish your post...
